Frankfurt's best and wurst

Spread out over an area roughly the size of Delaware but with better currywurst, the biennial Frankfurt Motor Show is the perfect place to take in the sights and flavors of the German auto industry while bleeding through your loafers from all the walking. Our man David Undercoffler loves walking — and Delaware. Here's what he saw:

HOT DOGS

Ferrari Portofino: Seeking to flush the taste of the ungainly California convertible from consumers' mouths, Ferrari offered penance in the form of the tasty Portofino, named after a coastal Italian town where rich attractive people go to feel bad about themselves.

Lighter than its predecessor but using many of the same components, the svelte hardtop slots in at the bottom of Ferrari's exotic range — "bottom" meaning it only costs as much as a house in Iowa instead of one in Connecticut.

Perhaps the name is no coincidence: California and Portofino are continents apart. Where the former looked like a nerdy catfish, the latter looks ready to whisper sweet Italian poetry and probably wears a Speedo in public. Finally a starter Ferrari worthy of the prancing horse emblem.

Kia Proceed: Though its name sounds like something Gwyneth Paltrow would call her next kid, this artful concept wagon (ahem, shooting brake) more than makes up for its silly moniker. Looking like a sexy coupe wearing a sexy backpack, this car has hints of the new Stinger up front. In the back? Hints of some glorious Imagination Land where wagons this handsome actually reach production.

Yeah, right. Prove me wrong, Euro design chief Gregory Guillaume, prove me wrong!

Actually don't, because even if Kia did build this as is, it likely wouldn't come to the U.S., and I'd be forced to relocate from L.A.

How do you say "Extra guacamole on that taco" in German?

Honda Urban EV: Here's the deal Honda: If you want to be forgiven for the overwrought design of the current Civic, all you have to do is promise to bring this uber-cool EV to the U.S. (It won't get you off the hook for the Crosstour. Some sins just can't be forgiven.)

With clean, crisp styling harking back to one of Honda's greatest historical triumphs — the first-gen Civic from the 1970s — this bite-size EV teases a production model due in Europe in 2019. It's the perfect marriage of old and new: Two doors open suicide-style to a canvas-covered bench seat up front and expansive digital screens throughout. Honda said nothing about its chances stateside so I'm starting a letter writing campaign tomorrow. Stamps are still 10 cents right?

COLD CUTS

Audi Elaine:​ If you put 100 monkeys at 100 typewriters for 100 years, none of them would come up with the kind of names that Audi has recently. First there was the debacle last month when Audi HQ announced it was "simplifying" its naming strategy ahead of an influx of hybrid and EV models in the coming years. My Social Security number on the back of an A8? Not simple.

Now we get the Elaine. Shaped like Honda's Crosstour (again?), this concept car was meant to showcase near-future AI technology, hence the El-AI-ne. But rather than advance Audi's message, all the name did was spark an endless run of jokes about bad dancing, urban sombreros and spongeworthiness. They should have named it the Kramer: Kids, Rarely Are Monkeys Expert Renamers.

Mercedes-AMG Project One:​ There's a lot to like in this wild hypercar recipe: 1,000-plus hp, Formula One provenance and abilities ripped right out from under Lewis Hamilton's keister and just 275 sold-out copies worldwide. But this is a seminal vehicle in Mercedes' long and storied lifespan, and apparently, no one mentioned that to the front end.

Yes, much of the car is actually shaped by the wind, since no one wants their $2.5 million plaything doing cartwheels on the track. And the back end is properly aggressive and diffuser-centric.

But the front takes as many chances as a stoned turtle. It's a missed opportunity that automakers only get every few decades.

BMW X7:​ Large luxury crossovers are selling so well right now, you could slap some chrome trim and 22-inch wheels on an oversize refrigerator box and it would be popular at lacrosse practice. Which must have been the thinking inside BMW's design studio when they came up with this X7 concept.

A stiff blend of overplayed Bimmer traits (we get it, you like kidney grilles), this upright brick has all the charisma of Boris Karloff in the old Frankenstein movies. It looks like him too.

Fortunately the production version isn't due until the 2020 model year, so BMW has some time to lighten up, bat a few knock-knock jokes around the design studio and dial back the severity to a seven.